NEWS THAT'S (UN)FIT TO PRINT

I don't have time to read the newspaper on weekdays anymore so I get my current news online. I subscribe to to CNN's breaking news via e-mail and check out the LA Times online site for local news.

But I have to say that online news is a mish-mosh of the important and the ridiculous, and there does not seem to be any differentiation between these types of stories - they ALL make the "front page" so to speak. 

Evil Elmo Doll Voices Death Threats To Toddler

Manufacturer Plans To Examine Malfunctioning Doll

With a squeeze of its fuzzy belly, the Sesame Street character now says: "Kill James." Fisher-Price, the toy company that manufactures the dolls, said it will issue the Bowmans a voucher for a replacement doll.

The company said it will examine James' model for the source of the problem and check whether other Elmos are experiencing the same malfunction. (the power of Big Bird compels you)

Revelers Run With The Reindeer

People in Alaska got a chance to run with the reindeer over the weekend.

The inaugural "Running of the Reindeer" took place in downtown Anchorage Sunday afternoon. The event is an homage to the more famous Running of the Bulls in Spain.

One thousand people showed up at the winter "Fur Rendevous" festival to take part in the fun and run from charging reindeer. There were only a few minor human injuries and none of the animals were hurt. Reindeer antlers are soft and they cannot gore because they curl inward. (replace Elmos with reindeer)

English Pig Farmers Want You To 'Stand By Your Ham'

30 Farmers Remake Tammy Wynette Hit

Pig farmers in the United Kingdom are resorting to humor to raise awareness about the problems their industry faces. A group of farmers have adapted the 1968 Tammy Wynette hit, "Stand By Your Man" to "Stand By Your Ham." The song was recorded by 30 local farmers at a London studio. The reworked lyrics deliver a tongue-in-cheek look at their hardships. Farmers are being paid less for each pig by grocers and are having to pay more for feed. ("we are the pork")