A year and a half ago, my dear friend Barbara F. was diagnosed with uterine cancer. Yesterday, 8/1/08, we lost her to it. Grief stricken, my first inclination was to write about my pain and sadness. While my heart aches and I am incredibly sad, I think I'd rather just write about what a distinct privilege it was to have Barb in my life.We were college roommates, and she became a life-long friend - one of the best. Most of my photos of her in my albums are from that time when we were so young and so silly. Sure, we had emotional moments that challenged our friendship, but an abiding love always pulled us through the tough times and our friendship endured for years to come. Barb moved to New York several years ago - but we kept in close touch by phone and saw each other when she came to town for holidays or if I got back east every now and then.
Besides having a huge heart, Barb is truly one of the kindness, most generous persons I've had the honor of knowing. This description of her is unanimously held for anyone she's ever known, and I am fortunate to have counted her as one of my best friends for so long. And interestingly, but not so surprising I suppose, we've deeply connected to some each others close friends and branched a network of close mutual friendships over the years.
Barb threw my 21st birthday surprise party. Barb came to stay with me the night my apartment got burgled and I was upset and scared. I didn't blink and eye when Barb called me at 5am to drive her to work because her car wouldn't start - or when she called me from NY to talk out a problem on the phone all night. Did I ever take her for granted? Never. Did I take for granted she'd always be here? Yes. But as my friend S told me, even if it breaks our hearts, sometimes we have to accept the unacceptable. Barb suffered lots of pain and discomfort throughout this last two years, and especially these last months. Unfortunately I couldn't get back east to help care for her during the worst times, but I am thankful that she had so many friends and loved ones that could and did.
Barb was not perfect, none of us are - but she was a truly good person. One thing about Barb, she laughed often. She laughed with you and at you and at herself. This last year, if I'd see something I knew she would appreciate I'd snap a quick cell phone shot and send it to her (like the photo above). She'd often text back "Please!" as if I were the silly, absurd one, but I know some of the pictures made her laugh. I can say that it was rare that any time spent with her didn't include laughing. And of course there were lots of those those fits of belly laughter where you can't breathe or speak and you even cry you're laughing so hard.
Barb being taken from all of us who loved her is a horrible loss. But I am not angry or bitter or feeling like life is unfair. If anything, this experience inspires me to appreciate life even more and make a concerted effort to be kinder, more forgiving and generous. I could go on forever about the virtues of Barb, I really could. In this moment I am sad and heartbroken and I have buckets of tears left to shed. Later on down the line, I will start to miss her and feel disappointed that I can't call her or see her anymore. But when all is said and done, this is what I have come to conclude: The world is a little less bright without her here, but my life is so much richer because she was in it at all.
Barb's last text to me was two weeks ago. I called her but she didn't pick up ( I believe it was all she could do to text). My last words to her on the voice mail were "I love you." And I do.
8 comments:
Very touching. It's hard to lose the ones we love, but it is good to see your attitude through all of this being so positive.
oh man.
I won't go into my experiences with death and losing friends and loved ones, but I know just how you're feeling.
My heart goes out to you, as there is nothing I could possibly say right now.
And to what you wrote? Beautifully said.
I'm so sorry to hear this...please feel free to give me a call if you need or want to talk...I did not know your friend, but I can tell she touched a lot of people
I am very sorry about your loss. Your words say everything there is to know about a lovely lady.
It is a lovely post.
Grunt - Thank you - with what you have been through this last 18 months or so, YOU are an inspiration to me.
Ashley - You kind words and empathy are so very appreciated.
Monique - Thank you - Barb was indeed a lovely person, I am glad that translated here.
It is endearing to me that you here in the blog-o-sphere are not only good writers, but good people.
Losing Barb is a difficult pill to swallow, but all the calls and personal messages I got from my closest friends and family meant so much to me and were exactly what I needed. Every time I took a call, opened an e-mail or text I was reminded that if it were some other friend/loved one I was writing about, Barb would be one of the first to call me to offer a kind word of consolation- - which is why she was the best kind of friend.
I too miss sweet Barb. Whenever she told me about her college days, she always mentioned how great of a friend you are. I feel lucky that I was part of Team Barb NY. I always knew that her heart was in California and that her closest friends were there too. I think we made ourselves even better to give her enough care and love for ourselves and you too. Your remembrance is making me smile so much, I am so happy to be a part of this amazing woman's life. My heart goes out to you and S (who I met when she first had her operation). I too am trying to remember the love and going through the good times in my mind. Huge huge hug to you,
Fela
Thank you, Fela. C and B told me how kind you were when they recently met you and what a good friend you were to Barb as well. I send all of her loving friends hugs... we will all miss Barb so much.
Oh jesus, honey, this is beautiful. So beautiful that I'm crying at my desk because of the words. You're a better person because of Barb & she will be around because you take her with you.
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