My blogger friend Jim impressed me profoundly with a blog entry about how he'd separated his blog life from his "real" life until his real friends discovered his blog and began reading it. He now has readers that he actually knows, and he blogged about whether to censor himself knowing that "real" people in his life are reading his stuff online. And I quote: "Basically, my only concern is going forward. I don't want to censor myself, and I don't want to write with a specific reader's feelings or beliefs in mind. I might have something ON my mind, and it might offend you or even be about you. However, if I need to get it out, out it must come. After reading Jim's post, I posed the question of whether or not I censor myself on here knowing that only a few people in my reality-sphere actually read this blog with any regularity. The answer was "Yes." I never intended to create an online journal and I knew I could always write in my personal one if I ever needed that outlet. But here's what - I love to write and I have been keeping journals since I was a kid. I'll jot down anything that comes to mind - feelings - short stories - momentary observances - ideas for stories that I never get around to fleshing out - etc. But on here, well - my main objective was to be... entertaining - amusing - funny - maybe somehow strike a common nerve now and then. But the fact that I censor myself on here because I FEAR that my "bloggger friends" might be critical of my content, or that my real friends might judge or misinterpret something about me... this has been gnawing at me since I read Jim's courageous admittance that he is going to honestly express himself no matter who reads his words. I admire that. Also Keshi and Grunt - they each have a sizable readership and that never stops either of them from being anything less than honest - no matter what. I admire that too.
So, I have decided to break through my wall of self-censorship and write about something personal. This post is so verbose already that most of you will probably stop reading here - but as Jim said, "out it must come." So I continue... even if I stay up all night writing something that no one will read.
It's late and I am upset. About 10 months ago, I had a falling out with someone close to me. This person made a decision that I didn't respect then and continue not to respect now. His decision was in fact a deal breaker in terms of our relationship continuing. (the specifics are not important and I won't reveal the whole story because this is more about my feelings than the story itself). For me it was not just that he made a "bad choice," - it was one that I felt deeply disturbed about and I let him know where I stood from the get-go. My feelings about this have never changed, but what did change were my feelings about this person. Our communication ended and fell into a silence that lasted for several months and over this time I had lost complete respect for him and had accepted that he was no longer going to be in my life or I in his. Yes, my heart was broken, and yes, I missed him - but I knew I could not remain in any kind of relationship with someone that I did not respect. I felt pushed to my personal limits of acceptance. Even though I missed him and that hurt, it hurt more not being able to respect and believe in him and I knew that I could not pursue or continue the relationship anymore.
Now, I am certainly not perfect - no one is. We all have flaws and we make mistakes, and so we make certain allowances to be in each other's flawed lives. However, for me, respect and trust are non-negotiable basics. In a friend, I might not like every single thing you say or do - but I need to respect who you are - the person that you are. If I don't truly feel that, then I cannot fake it and I won't be involved in a relationship where I must compromise these basic elements. I genuinely have to believe in you and trust in you - flaws and all. In my dearest relationships, these feelings are mutual and understood. Respect and trust and honesty are things that I cannot and will not compromise on. On the other hand, I also consider myself to be an open-minded person with the capacity to forgive... but forgiving doesn't mean compromising. I have a sister with whom I am estranged, and while this is sad for various reasons, the saddest part about it for me is that it causes pain to my parents. She has done things that I have worked hard to forgive her for and still work hard to forgive - but I choose not to have a relationship with her because I won't compromise my feelings. I have certainly had people who felt deeply disappointed by choices I've made, things I may have said or done - and they have let my friendship go as a result. Even though I miss them, I have to respect their deicision based on how they feel and what they simply cannot make allowances for.
So back to my story. After months of no contact, this person came to me with the desire to reconcile our broken and damaged relationship. It was perfectly understood by both of us why I walked away from the relationship and exactly under what cricumstances I'd even consider making an attempt to reconcile and repair the damage. My initial reaction to his proposal was surprise, then I was wary, nervous and of course, skeptical. Still, I wanted to believe in this person again. I wanted to believe him when he said that whatever transpired in his life since we'd been estranged had resulted in a growth and learning for him - and hearing him say that gave me hope because I knew that was essential in order for me to start to gain respect for him again... trust him again... believe that his intentions were sincere and most of all, to believe in him. So I listened and opened up and started lowering my guard very slowly... because of how deeply I had once cared for him and how much I once treasured and cherished our past relationship. I wanted to believe. However, I have also learned to pay attention to my intuition - my gut - and when it told me something was askew, I decided to make as direct an inquiry as I could based on just a "hunch," only to find all my apprehensions and reservations were valid. It all went into quick reverse like a carpenter's retractable tape measure. Faced with the same situation, he made the same exact decision that led me to walk away 10 months ago (sorry for being cryptic about the details). He said he knew I'd be upset and unhappy about it, but he figured I'd probably go away again temporarily only to come back into his life "once it had all run its course." Maybe this assumption about how things will be is partly my fault - because I allowed him to come back into my life even briefly and tell me things that he didn't really mean. I feel like my proclivity for forgiveness and compassion, and my desire to want to love and believe in him again, have all been manipulated. I told him this was not acceptable and that he needed to let me go. He kept repeating how that wasn't fair. Not fair? Why? Because he can't have what he wants? Somehow this is all MY decision and it doesn't matter that he made a deliberate and conscious choice - knowing full well it would again result in the loss of my respect for him as a person. He wants me to tolerate his choice as if my respect doesn't matter. I guess he feels I should compromise these feelings of mine because it isn't fair that he does not get to have me in his life. This point is too absurd to even argue because obviously his definition of "fair" means having what he wants on his terms. What I want, is to be able to respect him as a person of maturity and integrity. What I want is to believe in him and what he says to me and to back it all up with his actions because that builds trust and restores respect.
Relationships are not something to be "won" or coerced or manipulated - I will not settle for less than mutual love, respect and trust.
I am exhausted and my heart aches... but I am grateful to be able to express all this here for any and all to read. Including the person to whom I have been referring to so cryptically. But this is what's on my mind and in my heart at this very moment and I am not afraid to say it.
14 comments:
Very interesting posts in your journal..)
Your respect for him and acceptance is dependant upon his conformity to your ideals. One may not want to be with a person for many reasons, just don't be with them. Once you make love and friendship conditional, you essentially destroy any hope of embracing it.
STOMP.
friendship and love are conditional, it's just that the people in them agree with those conditions, scary monster.
personally, i like the idea that there is an outlet for people to display their real feelings, if they don't feel comfortable displaying them in person. just because i may disagree with what they have to say/feel doesn't mean that i wouldn't want to know about it. on the contrary, i would question the friendship if all parties didn't feel free to voice the things they truly felt.
you shouldn't ever have to apologise to anyone, especially yourself, for the way you feel.
Thank you, Kermit. I agree, all relationships have basic conditions - for me that is mutual trust, respect and honesty.
Scary - I of course cannot divulge every aspect of the relationship that I've referred to, but know that I have sincerely loved this person for many years and have made extensive consessions in the interest of embracing love and friendship as unconditionally as I possibly could and have endured more than you'll ever know - but if mutual trust and respect and honesty are the basic conditions for my love and friendship to continue - then perhaps it is I who cannot conform to his ideals.
I feel like I've been in a very similar situation as you. And like you, I wanted to keep from writing about it on my blog for fear that certain people would read it...but I finally did...and in a way, it helps with the healing process doesn't it?
You're abosolutely right about the difference between forgiveness and compromising your beliefs.
It's almost unbearable when a friend betrays/hurts/crushes you...someone whom you've placed all your trust in. I think I'm still going through that pain with that person...it haunts me still.
It's always good to know that there are others who are experiencing the same pain...so I'm glad you shared this testimony-of-sorts on here. :)
Love and friendship of course cannot be compared to each other because of the depth of emotional involvement, but I still maintain that neither love nor friendship can possibly be conditional.
One may disagree with the choices that another person has made and one may not want to be associated with a person because of those choices, but that doesn't mean that the feelings evaporate.
If they do then there were no true feelings there in the first place.
The fact that you are hurting so, Sun Follower, means that you are in conflict with the choices that a person you care about has made and the ethics that drive yer life and keep you sane.
This is not alltogether an unheathy thing. It means yer heart be still feeling and the hope still burns in yer breast.
Kermit~ Would you force a member of your family to conform to yer ideals? Or how about a sick pet or a friend in jail who got busted fer doing something you despise?
Would you give up on them iffin they were too much trouble to deal with?
Me sez that love and friendship be absolutely unconditional, yet that has very little to do with living yer life and being happy.
stomp.
It takes great courage to let all of this out on your public blog, Sun. I have a handful of people from my real life that know about my blog and it was really hard on me knowing that they might read my more personal posts. Fortunately, it seems as though they don't participate in the blog. I think they found out that they couldn't handle it and wisely stepped out.
As for the guy in question, he has learned nothing and only just wanted to have you and the other thing in his life. He can't have that and the fact that you won't allow it deepens my respect for you.
I finally did my TIGF post. I've been slacking.
i wouldn't force anyone to conform to my ideals or values or anything of the kind. people are free to accept them or discard them, just as i am free to do the same.
pets aren't people, in that they don't have ideals i am aware of. my cat may think that i'm a fool, but he still respects me enough not to crap in my shoes and to wake me when i ask him. he and i both agree that so long as he uses the litter box and generously vandalizes my furniture, we get to cohabit.
if a friend/family member did something i despised and was caught by the law, i wouldn't turn away from them. i wouldn't try to get them out of paying for it, but would offer them help and hope they take it after i've told them reasons i think they need them. if they still don't agree, then quite frankly, i'd leave them be. i can't force them into treatment.
yes, it's not politically correct to admit that one's love and affection are conditional but they are. saying otherwise doesn't make it less true. after all, we all love someone. who that someone is is defined by their actions and their beliefs and their intentions. it's not a very nice thing to reduce complicated people like that, but one's virtues aren't exactly virtues if one can't uphold them in trying times.
you're free to disagree with me, as you are free to disagree with auden*, but disagree on rational grounds, not simply because what i have to say offends you.
unconditional love implies a lot of things, like still loving someone who molests children or someone who caused financial ruin of thousands of people. you may say that the people you love couldn't do those things, and maybe that's true. but the point of unconditional love is that you'd still love them even if that's what they did.
i think that just because sun follower is upset doesn't mean that she regrets holding on to her values. it sounds to me like she's upset because the other person didn't share them and deceived her into thinking that he did.
*"almost all of our relationships begin and most of them continue as forms of mutual exploitation, a mental or physical barter, to be terminated when one or both parties run out of goods"
kermit~ What you say doesn't offend me. But nevertheless Me still gonna stick to me own particular viewpoint.
Stay Stompy.
I haven't written too many posts since that announcement- that's interesting. I wonder if I'm censoring myself, or if I just don'e have much to say right now. I'll have to think about that. Here's my take on this thing:
I do my best to love all beings unconditionally. This includes perpetrators of heinous crimes. However, I can be loving and compassionate while choosing to not have someone be an active part of my life. A close friend who acted in a manner that I found abhorrent might forfeit the right to have contact with me. I would still love, and forgive, but there is not always wisdom in "forgetting". Unconditional love does not mean becoming a doormat, allowing abuse, or extending trust where it has been betrayed.
Each of us has the right to set boundaries, in my opinion. We have the right to expect honesty and mutual trust in our interactions and draw the line around our deepest friendships in this manner.
Someone who complains that your boundaries are "not fair" might use this as an opportunity to accept the law of cause and effect. We make choices that have consequences. Relationships are impermanent, as is everything. This is how we learn to accept life.
All that said, I personally never say never. I try to make sure that there is room for healing if at all possible.
thanks, Jim.
Hey, in case my comment came off too cold and impersonal, I just wanted to add that I really liked this post. Even if it was cryptic, it's nice to have a glimpse into the sunfollower's life. I'm sorry about the actual situation however.
I was honored to be quoted at the beginning, too.
Very good post.
As for censorship, I certainly censor due to work and an incident with a 'creepy neighbor' both who know where my blog is. Now that I've changed jobs, I could go on & on about the previous one but feel like it'd be a waste of energy & not putting myself in the right mindset.
As for your situation, seems as if the comments have seen both extremes & the truth that I've experienced is that no relationship is completely conditional unless generally selfish reasons are concerned (of which I have certainly been in relationships where this is the case on both ends). Nor is any relationship unconditional unless it's with your childhood 'blankey'.
What I heard more is that this guy has acted in an atrocious manner, then told you what you wanted to hear to get you back on his side but then changed none of his behavior. It's a terrible experience to have but at that point, not only has this person acted in a way that's spurred all loss of respect but then they said something that they didn't mean in an act of manipulation, backing it up by (from what I got) treating you like you're a push-over. As a push-over for a lot of things, there is a line. That line is when someone blatantly recognizes that you're very forgiving and without any remorse takes advantage of it. Sorry Charlie, the ride's over. Done, wipe your hands clean, maybe in the future he can be part of your life but never at the level of before. It may sound callous & is certainly easier to do than say, as your voice sounds sincerely hurt. But time heals all wounds. Forgiveness is certainly an important virtue. Allowing someone to walk all over you & recognizing it, as such, is shooting yourself in the foot & asking for people to take advantage of you. You're a smart & strong girl. And thank you for sharing this.
Thank you all for your caring and intelligent comments it is much appreciated.
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