Work is a great distraction... my office mates are funny and we all three geek out about movies past present and future. Plus I am busy enough so there is not much time left in the day to think about my broken heart. I am not good in crowds yet so I am avoiding all parties and larger gatherings. However, ironically, it's when I am alone that I experience these waves of pure grief. Just the thought that 6 months ago I'd sit and eat lunch/dinner nearly every Sunday with both of my parents and now... they are gone. Man, just writing that has me all choked up.
So... the holidays this year are very difficult - and while they will never be the same again, I hope they get less difficult over time. I have never been so thankful for my closest friends as I am now. Setting aside time just for me, driving in the rain for miles just to hang out, spending time doing anything from going out to grab a bite or to a movie or just staying in and watching TV. The flowers, cards, phone calls, e-mails. I will forever be grateful for all of these gestures of love.
One person asked if I felt "relieved" the day my mother passed. And no... relief is not what I felt at all. I do not think I will ever feel that emotion. Because even though the last 5 months my whole day-to-day schedule somehow revolved around my mother's care, it does not feel like a burden now. In fact, it was truly the deepest privilege I will ever have; to help care for my mother in her final days on this planet.
<<--- one of my favorite candid shots of Mom and Dad at a family reunion picnic.
I miss them. I do. A lot.
xoxo
4 comments:
I know that you will have some hard times this holiday, but I know that you will have some very sweet moments remembering the good times with your parents.
It is still hard for me. I had to catch myself several times lately from asking family if they'd heard from my late sister. The moments alone can still be hard for me. It can all just come back hard.
I can understand how you feel about not feeling relieved of care. That didn't matter to me, as hard as it was. I just miss my sister so much.
Ah, Grunt. *hug* Yes... it's the missing part, isn't it? Man... it's SO hard. And the grief comes without warning in these uncontrollable waves. Like little tsunamis of heartache. Sending comfort and peace in the new year. xoxo
this is beautifully written. it reminds me of going to the house of a high school friend of mine after his death in a car accident. His sister was talking with guests, but every 5 minutes or so, reality would set in, and she would sob. It was painful, but at the same time beautiful to see that she loved her brother that much and no choice but to show it.
I know your parents feel your love as they look down on you. Yes, I truly believe they are looking down.
Prayers coming your way as always!!!
Thank you for these kind words, Ashely. It means a lot to me.
I believe it too.
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